adjusting to medication

The first week I didn’t feel much of anything, but things stopped feeling less hopeless. I was… overly optimistic about everything or almost uncaring, but in a positive way. Tather than “what’s the point” it became “what’s the point of worrying? Things will work out however they work out.”

I felt… light. Like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I remember walking around and feeling almost as if I was floating.

Eventually taking medication just became part of my daily routine, almost as unconscious as brushing my teeth.  My depression wasn’t as strong, and when it hit me, it didn’t last as long as it usually did. Eventually I started to feel normal, well aware that bad things happen and it’s okay to feel sad, disappointed, angry or just rotten about them – that’s just normal human emotion. But at the same time, I could finally just accept things and started to view my problems as surmountable. My failures did not mean I was a failure myself – just that I had unfortunate circumstances or had made a mistake. It wasn’t the end of the world, and I didn’t beat myself up for it.



choosing to take antidepressants

Before the tragedy – the loss of a good friend well before his time – I had gotten complacent vis-a-vis my depression. I figured “well, I’m still breathing – it could be worse and so long as it isn’t, I can deal.” But the problem is, depression can work incrementally, bringing you down into the abyss one step at a time. I had gotten to the point where suicide was a viable option and I hadn’t even seen anything wrong with it, really. I just… felt like shit and every day felt worse than the one before it. I didn’t care about anything. It’s not that I didn’t want to care, it’s that I actually *couldn’t*

But when I lost my friend, something clicked. I realized I actually cared about something – the people in my life. And at the wake/funeral, I realized that if I were to die, maybe people would grieve for me too and having felt that pain – the first thing I truly felt in ages – I did not want to inflict it on anyone else, especially not the people I cared about.

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smoking to cope with ADHD medications

I smoke pot. It’s not a huge thing, but it is a form of medication for me. It really helps with mood stabilization and anxiety. When I say anxiety I mean usually just the physiological symptoms, like the sweating, rapid pulse, restlessness. Those symptoms are from my amphetamines, a bad habit of drinking a pot of coffee a day, and pent-up energy. Weed helps to round out all the hard edges.

I don’t drink much, I don’t smoke cigs, I don’t spend frivolous money on anything really. I allow myself this one “addiction” because…I don’t know I just do. People say to be gentle with myself because of the trauma I’ve had, and this is my way of being gentle with myself. Am I just being a delusional addict justifying bad behaviour?


Being Psychotic

This may be triggering for its mention of psychosis, bullying, and mental illness.

I have suffered from psychosis since I was eight years old and am currently on a high dose of anti-psychotics (aripiprazole 20mg to be precise).

I used to be really outgoing, but after I was bullied and outcast as a teenager I isolated myself, which I think has led to a lot of emotional problems. I’m smart – I was moved up a year in school – and am currently on a very lonely gap year before I go to study at university.

I have not told anyone at work about my illness. It is too embarrassing. It makes me seem weak. I probably should let someone know that my medication is turning me into a zombie and it’s not just my personality though.

-Hermione (a pseudonym)

Conflict of Interest with Prescribing Medication?

I just think there is dogma when it comes to the field. That there is a an unspoken belief among those professionals that meds work 100% of the time for all people and that it’s just a matter of finding the right one.

Makes sense: a psychiatrist is only good for prescribing meds. Outside of meds, unless they also qualify as a therapist, they are pretty much useless. They would be out of a job therefore they have to vouch for their “product”. Conflict of interest IMO but that’s none of my business apparently….