choosing to take antidepressants

Before the tragedy – the loss of a good friend well before his time – I had gotten complacent vis-a-vis my depression. I figured “well, I’m still breathing – it could be worse and so long as it isn’t, I can deal.” But the problem is, depression can work incrementally, bringing you down into the abyss one step at a time. I had gotten to the point where suicide was a viable option and I hadn’t even seen anything wrong with it, really. I just… felt like shit and every day felt worse than the one before it. I didn’t care about anything. It’s not that I didn’t want to care, it’s that I actually *couldn’t*

But when I lost my friend, something clicked. I realized I actually cared about something – the people in my life. And at the wake/funeral, I realized that if I were to die, maybe people would grieve for me too and having felt that pain – the first thing I truly felt in ages – I did not want to inflict it on anyone else, especially not the people I cared about.

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when people found out

My sister was worried about me – I was an asshole of a brother and for some reason tried to traumatize her by showing her the cuts on my arms. She didn’t really know what to do or how to help, but she told my parents. My parents were confused, lost, upset, and kept asking “Why do you think this way? Why can’t you just think happy? You have everything going for you!!!”

They had the hardest time, I think. They didn’t know the extent of what I was going through, but they did their best to find out. Their approach wasn’t the best – my parents have always been kind of overbearing – but they did it out of love and I appreciate that. Sure, they violated my privacy – looking at my IM chat logs, for example – but they really wanted to help. They called MH crisis lines for advice, tried to get me to see a counselor (miserable failure), lost their shit when they finally saw my cuts…

My friends were… dismissive. It hurt. There was such a taboo around MH issues that people just downplayed it. Kind of a “everyone has bad days, you think you’re the only one?” or “you really need to get out more” or “stop being so emo.”

It crushed me. I needed them, so despite their ignorance, I clung to them. At some point in time, I realized some friends were going to brush it off, and so I stopped talking to them about it.

-Anonymous

 

symptoms of depression and ADHD

This post may be triggering for its description of depression and ADHD.

I am a massage student about to finish my semester and write a big provincial test in the summer and become a registered massage therapist. This thought terrifies me, because I don’t feel like I belong in that field. This professional job I am actually qualified for feels like someone else’s life. There is a disconnect to the outside world because I struggle to mask my disorders. People perceive confidence and ease when I talk to them and are surprised to find out I have depression. When I talk to people I can count the amount of times I touch my hair and avert my eyes and I can feel my posture becoming slumped down below the person I am talking to. I feel inferior to everyone. (these are also symptoms of ADHD).

It’s annoying because at times I am more rational than other times and I can talk myself out of it. But other times that’s just the way it is no point in fighting it…

I think I struggle to live in a society with a mental illness because I haven’t yet learned all the tips and tricks. I haven’t yet fully learned to play the game of life. It’s harder with mental illness and ADHD because even the easiest of tasks involves so many distractions to avoid and emotional meltdowns to try not to outwardly show. Though medication is curbing A LOT of problems and my positivity is rising, it’s still an uphill battle.

I find driving difficult. I am 27 and I still don’t have a license. The stimulation was over the top before I started on amphetamines. I become unreasonably emotional about certain subjects mentioned if they relate to things I don’t like about myself, such as anything revolving around driving, and physical appearance and body fat.

I also find it hard to keep a positive social life. I have a lot of friends, but very few people I will interact with outside of school or work. I have things this way because for one I don’t drive so I can’t go see the friends I WANT to see, and because I often break plans and flake out on people. Even family members.

-Anonymous

feeling weaker as mentally ill person

This post may be triggering for its mention and description of self-hate, mental health stigma, depression, and ADHD.

I have a bad habit of downplaying mental health and sort of inadvertently thinking people who suffer from it are little weaker in life. It’s stupid because I’m one of those people who suffer from mental illness. I have a high expectation of myself and I feel as though I am weak. My counsellor keeps telling me I need to be more gentle with myself, so maybe this opinion is a delusion. This one is hard.

I feel like sometimes there are some people who do not try to get better, they stay in a state of needing people and it fuels their fire of dependence and affirmations/attention. While others have a worse situation and they overcome, or do their best to live with a real issue and face problems head-on. My perspective is probably a negative one or inconclusive, because I’m still learning. I have had depression and ADHD as long as I can remember though none of it was diagnosed until after 25 years old. This made for a lonely and misunderstood life. After getting a diagnosis and medication I just wanted to go back and do life over again on meds instead of the unnecessarily difficult and moody one I actually HAD to live.

Also, I am a little jaded because of my experience with mental health. Because I didn’t know I had ADHD, I just expected that life was so hard and I was over emotional because I got the short end of the stick. That’s just the way it was. I remember when I was 23 I had a boss who told me that I will never be happy in life because I expect everyone to just accept that I get moody and inappropriate. I had to change for the world. So it’s hard to meet expectations when dealing with mental illness and past trauma but I think it’s a matter of having a strong support community AND also working toward a goal of being able to function to the best capability in society.

-Anonymous

symptoms of depression and ADHD

This post may be triggering for its description of depression and ADHD.

I am a massage student about to finish my semester and write a big provincial test in the summer and become a registered massage therapist. This thought terrifies me, because I don’t feel like I belong in that field. This professional job I am actually qualified for feels like someone else’s life. There is a disconnect to the outside world because I struggle to mask my disorders. People perceive confidence and ease when I talk to them and are surprised to find out I have depression. When I talk to people I can count the amount of times I touch my hair and avert my eyes and I can feel my posture becoming slumped down below the person I am talking to. I feel inferior to everyone. (these are also symptoms of ADHD).

It’s annoying because at times I am more rational than other times and I can talk myself out of it. But other times that’s just the way it is no point in fighting it…

I think I struggle to live in a society with a mental illness because I haven’t yet learned all the tips and tricks. I haven’t yet fully learned to play the game of life. It’s harder with mental illness and ADHD because even the easiest of tasks involves so many distractions to avoid and emotional meltdowns to try not to outwardly show. Though medication is curbing A LOT of problems and my positivity is rising, it’s still an uphill battle.

I find driving difficult. I am 27 and I still don’t have a license. The stimulation was over the top before I started on amphetamines. I become unreasonably emotional about certain subjects mentioned if they relate to things I don’t like about myself, such as anything revolving around driving, and physical appearance and body fat.

I also find it hard to keep a positive social life. I have a lot of friends, but very few people I will interact with outside of school or work. I have things this way because for one I don’t drive so I can’t go see the friends I WANT to see, and because I often break plans and flake out on people. Even family members.

-Anonymous

Going to Psych

This may be triggering for its description of psychosis, suicide, stigma and hospitalization!

Going to psych definitely helped me. I made a few friends and boosted my self esteem by socialising. It was like being back in school, which I miss a lot. I also learnt about ‘cognitive distortions’ in group CBT, which I use every day to stop unhelpful thinking patterns in their tracks.

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