cultivating friendship while depressed

The friends that tried to understand were frustrated – people just didn’t understand how, despite having everything going for me, they were confused as to why I hated my life and everything about it. I can’t remember what brought the good friends around to understanding my situation, but in 2010-2011, something changed. I actually openly acknowledged to my friends that I had depression. It started slowly, but more and more friends were accepting of it. They just said “i’m sorry to hear you’re going through that, and if you ever need to talk, I’m here.”

The open acknowledgement happened by accident, but it was honestly one of the best things to ever happen to me:

One day I was Skyping with someone who would eventually be my girlfriend (now ex). I had just smoked up (pot was a crutch, an escape, and, well, just something I did for fun from time to time) and realized “crap, I have to take my medication.” When I got back, she asked what I was doing. I answered that I was taking my medication. When she asked why, I told her. And then I told her about my darkest times – the suicidal thoughts, the cuts, the narrowly-avoided attempts, and the moment that changed my life. I thought “holy shit. If i can be this honest with her, why can’t I be honest with others?”

I slowly started realizing that the depressed version of me wasn’t me. So, one at a time and very slowly, I told my friends that I was suffering from depression, and that if I ever seemed off or detached or upset for no reason, that was why. I didn’t expect them to understand – I was just putting my cards on the table. By that point, I realized either my friends were going to accept it or they were going to deny it. So I figured “what’s the worst that’ll happen? That I’ll lose my friendship? If I do, I guess they weren’t friends to begin with”

It’s a boiled down version of a very powerful Dr. Seuss quote: “Be who you and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

-Anonymous

smoking to cope with ADHD medications

I smoke pot. It’s not a huge thing, but it is a form of medication for me. It really helps with mood stabilization and anxiety. When I say anxiety I mean usually just the physiological symptoms, like the sweating, rapid pulse, restlessness. Those symptoms are from my amphetamines, a bad habit of drinking a pot of coffee a day, and pent-up energy. Weed helps to round out all the hard edges.

I don’t drink much, I don’t smoke cigs, I don’t spend frivolous money on anything really. I allow myself this one “addiction” because…I don’t know I just do. People say to be gentle with myself because of the trauma I’ve had, and this is my way of being gentle with myself. Am I just being a delusional addict justifying bad behaviour?

-Anonymous