choosing to take antidepressants

Before the tragedy – the loss of a good friend well before his time – I had gotten complacent vis-a-vis my depression. I figured “well, I’m still breathing – it could be worse and so long as it isn’t, I can deal.” But the problem is, depression can work incrementally, bringing you down into the abyss one step at a time. I had gotten to the point where suicide was a viable option and I hadn’t even seen anything wrong with it, really. I just… felt like shit and every day felt worse than the one before it. I didn’t care about anything. It’s not that I didn’t want to care, it’s that I actually *couldn’t*

But when I lost my friend, something clicked. I realized I actually cared about something – the people in my life. And at the wake/funeral, I realized that if I were to die, maybe people would grieve for me too and having felt that pain – the first thing I truly felt in ages – I did not want to inflict it on anyone else, especially not the people I cared about.

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feeling weaker as mentally ill person

This post may be triggering for its mention and description of self-hate, mental health stigma, depression, and ADHD.

I have a bad habit of downplaying mental health and sort of inadvertently thinking people who suffer from it are little weaker in life. It’s stupid because I’m one of those people who suffer from mental illness. I have a high expectation of myself and I feel as though I am weak. My counsellor keeps telling me I need to be more gentle with myself, so maybe this opinion is a delusion. This one is hard.

I feel like sometimes there are some people who do not try to get better, they stay in a state of needing people and it fuels their fire of dependence and affirmations/attention. While others have a worse situation and they overcome, or do their best to live with a real issue and face problems head-on. My perspective is probably a negative one or inconclusive, because I’m still learning. I have had depression and ADHD as long as I can remember though none of it was diagnosed until after 25 years old. This made for a lonely and misunderstood life. After getting a diagnosis and medication I just wanted to go back and do life over again on meds instead of the unnecessarily difficult and moody one I actually HAD to live.

Also, I am a little jaded because of my experience with mental health. Because I didn’t know I had ADHD, I just expected that life was so hard and I was over emotional because I got the short end of the stick. That’s just the way it was. I remember when I was 23 I had a boss who told me that I will never be happy in life because I expect everyone to just accept that I get moody and inappropriate. I had to change for the world. So it’s hard to meet expectations when dealing with mental illness and past trauma but I think it’s a matter of having a strong support community AND also working toward a goal of being able to function to the best capability in society.