This post may be triggering for its mention of assault, anger management issues, PTSD, and mental illness.
I spent 12 years in the military (having no emotions except anger is very helpful in the military), and one day I lost control and physically assaulted one of my subordinates. He was wrong, and I was wrong, so it didn’t go any further, but I lost control, which I didn’t like – it scared me. The next day I went to the mental health clinic on base. This was back in 2006 and I went about once a week for a year.
It was there that I first started this journey from being an angry robot into becoming a human being. Jokes became funnier, food tasted better, Disney movies made me cry. I thought everything was fine – until about a year ago when I realized was thinking about killing myself.
I’m pretty certain I had mild PTSD when I first got out in 2011 – but it didn’t affect me daily. I used to wake up in the middle of night scrambling to grab a rifle that I hadn’t carried for years. I still really don’t like loud noises. Hitting a pothole or hearing a car backfiring will leave me on edge all day.