This post may be triggering for its description of depression and ADHD.
I think that having a high expectation of myself is a positive attribute, though it’s when I don’t meet my expectations that I get into an unnecessary emotional turmoil. I’m really impatient with myself, and if trying something new, I get really discouraged and completely disinterested if I don’t excel right away. That is just the way it is, having ADHD. Like I said before, the meds are curbing that severity, and things are slowed down enough that I can actually recognize the go-to feelings I would normally have. The process I’ve adapted since learning of ADHD and starting on meds is as follows:
- Recognize the force causing the negative emotions (be that something someone said, an activity that’s not easy/fun like homework or demanding household chores, etc)
- Assess the situation, determining if I’m in the right or in the wrong
- Observe how fast my mind travels without giving in to any thoughts
- Put feelings to rest, or speak up about the issue – dealing with the problem before it becomes a huge issue.
This is the way I like to do things on a good day. There are still bad days even with meds, in which all my progress and self-training goes out the window and I just say fuck it..
It makes me feel weak because if I don’t achieve what I set out to do I fall into such a manic-type depression. I understand this is disorder, but I want to believe that my brain is stronger than that. And it’s not the case, which makes me feel stupid. And so on so forth, just cycling over and over. The “voices” of self-hatred have stopped almost altogether, which really helps me to bounce out of this cycle more frequently than I ever used to, so there is progress being made.
The disconnect I feel with the outside world is most likely in my head. Because I have an issue being proud of myself or having a high impression of myself it’s hard for me to see myself as I imagine others do. I can tell the way people talk to me and want to be around me that I’m doing something right, but it’s not something I can pin point. I like to make people laugh and feel good about themselves. By doing massage, or giving compliments, or helping someone out of an emotional time with sound advice I feel the most validated. I have a strong propensity to help people and make them feel good, though I am not a people pleaser. I do not feel exhausted after giving my energy to someone, I feel invigorated. With that said, I have a really hard time accepting the same care for myself. I feel really awkward when getting a compliment and struggle to relax when receiving a massage treatment myself. The touch aspect is a tough one for me to relax around, it releases too many emotions at once.