This post may be triggering for its description of depression and ADHD.
I am a massage student about to finish my semester and write a big provincial test in the summer and become a registered massage therapist. This thought terrifies me, because I don’t feel like I belong in that field. This professional job I am actually qualified for feels like someone else’s life. There is a disconnect to the outside world because I struggle to mask my disorders. People perceive confidence and ease when I talk to them and are surprised to find out I have depression. When I talk to people I can count the amount of times I touch my hair and avert my eyes and I can feel my posture becoming slumped down below the person I am talking to. I feel inferior to everyone. (these are also symptoms of ADHD).
It’s annoying because at times I am more rational than other times and I can talk myself out of it. But other times that’s just the way it is no point in fighting it…
I think I struggle to live in a society with a mental illness because I haven’t yet learned all the tips and tricks. I haven’t yet fully learned to play the game of life. It’s harder with mental illness and ADHD because even the easiest of tasks involves so many distractions to avoid and emotional meltdowns to try not to outwardly show. Though medication is curbing A LOT of problems and my positivity is rising, it’s still an uphill battle.
I find driving difficult. I am 27 and I still don’t have a license. The stimulation was over the top before I started on amphetamines. I become unreasonably emotional about certain subjects mentioned if they relate to things I don’t like about myself, such as anything revolving around driving, and physical appearance and body fat.
I also find it hard to keep a positive social life. I have a lot of friends, but very few people I will interact with outside of school or work. I have things this way because for one I don’t drive so I can’t go see the friends I WANT to see, and because I often break plans and flake out on people. Even family members.