Living while suicidal

This post may be triggering for its mention and description of depression and suicide!

Currently I think of suicide everyday. Been like this for the past year and a half .

Obviously it was a problem in the beginning (from age 14 to about….20). Don’t remember how I dealt with it back then. Probably unsuccessfully seeing as how ever since 14, I have had an attempt about once a year.

The urges are stronger when I’m angry. Whether it’s from traffic, sour mood (because I didn’t sleep well), cognitive fuzziness, can’t “deal with” the day’s circumstances, etc. I’d say that’s kind of a good thing: I don’t take out on my anger on other people (or their things). If I get pissed enough, I might have to smash something and then let out a war cry but I’m good after that.

Or recently, I just cuss profusely, have an internal pessimistic+misanthropic+cynical dialogue (ie, hate on existence, wallow in anger, then de-escalate by telling myself, “That’s it! I’m going to do it. I’m killing myself tomorrow or tonight.”), and then take a fat nap. The nap mostly resets everything though I still very much remember being angry and why.

Then there is when I think too much and get caught up in my thoughts. Thoughts of suffering, “what if…?”, the vanity/cruelty of this world, “this could have been better…I could have been better”, etc and allowing all of that to influence my emotions (usually makes me forlorn).

Getting home, drinking liquor straight (or smoking), and then watching my usual stuff helps.



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